Putting this blog together is about as much focus as i've been able to apply to anything in the last weeks and months.
I'm finding my time awake is plagued with an undercurrent of 'discomfort', the kind of feeling that tells you that things are bad, and bad things are going to happen. My time asleep is fitful and I wake frequently feeling lost. My time awake in the morning is the hardest part of the day. I reluctantly resign myself to the cloud that hangs over my head, and struggle through the day, with that kind of feeling that tells you things are bad, and bad things are going to happen.
The net result: focus is very difficult. Work time is a battle to keep my mind on anything for much more than a few minutes at a time. Meetings are painful and listening near impossible. Driving to and from work is more like a dream than a real experience. Sitting at the table with my family is a desperate struggle to show my wife and kids i love them by listening, and failing most of the time.
And the worst part? The frustration that comes from not being able to focus further exacerbates the problem. I beat myself up for not focussing, which makes me feel a whole lot worse, which makes me focus a whole lot worse.
For a man that's constantly thinking, I'd love some time to think. Clearly. And focussed.
Hi B,
ReplyDeleteGood job putting up a blog! I hope you continue with it. I have done the same thing, for much the same reasons. In fact, we seem to have set up our blogs within a couple of days of each other.
It can be difficult to really express what we are going through while suffering from depression, and even if we can, it seems like others either don't want to know, or simply don't have the ability to deal with it.
Sometimes blogging about our experiences can help us make sense of them, at least a little. I don't think that there are any quick fixes out there. But let's keep grinding away as best we can.
--TDR